I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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