I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
