I'll bet she douches with gravy.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
