ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Randomize
