i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize