you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Randomize
