I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
