At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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