soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
COCAINE IS GR8
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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