I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
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