Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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