I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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