So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
