it was like his penis was on wheels.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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