just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
