I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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