So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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