and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Randomize
