5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
