The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
