You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize