When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
