Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
