I'd wear matching sweaters with you
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
