we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
