My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Vodka?
Forever.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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