Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
