it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Randomize
