Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
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