I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Help me help you realize you are a moron
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
