Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
