I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
