I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
i out mim tonsoeep
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
