i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
