I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Randomize
