I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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