oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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