The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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