Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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