i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Randomize
