Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
