i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
