I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
