He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
