i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
