I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I have aggressive nipples.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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