It's a beautiful day for a hangover
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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