I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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