apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
