Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
