I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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