he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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