I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
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