Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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