I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
