my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
