6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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